Snowflake Design Theory

The canonical doctrine of deliberately eccentric network design. Founded by Darius Larkin, 2017.
SDT v0.1 — status: informational — errata: pending, forever

0. Abstract

This document specifies the design axioms and operational theory for networks that are inconsistent, unique, and in some cases eccentric by construction. It is modeled on the structure of a solution reference network design (SRND), with every normative direction inverted. Like the snowflake, no two implementations are alike; unlike the snowflake, this is a choice.

1. The First Axiom

“If there is a correct way to do something, you will do it the incorrect way, in the most inefficient way possible, creating the most administrative overhead and job security.”

All further axioms are corollaries of the First.

2. Axioms

Axiom I — Consistency Is a Vulnerability A consistent network can be run by anyone. Inconsistency is armor. The org chart calls it technical debt; the architect calls it retirement.
Axiom II — No Two Sites Alike Every site shall be designed independently, without reference to any other site, any standard, or any common sense.
Axiom III — The Documentation Defends the Network The most effective security control on a Snowflake network is an inaccurate diagram. Ensure the diagram and the devices are wrong in complementary ways.
Axiom IV — Entropy Is Budgeted Chaos without a budget is failure. Chaos with a budget is architecture. Sprinkle. Never explain.
Axiom V — The Thumbprint Doctrine Every Snowflake bears the mark of its maker. The default VLAN is 1 on every switch in the world; it is the most anonymous number in networking. Replace it with your certification number and the network remembers you after your badge stops working.
Axiom VI — Leave No Successor Design such that no engineer can be hired to replace you. The correct reaction to a resignation letter is a counteroffer, not a requisition.

3. Murphy's Laws of SNOT

SNOT — Snowflake Network Operating Theory — is the operating cycle for Snowflake practitioners: Prepare → Plan → Design → Implement → Operate → Optimize, executed in exactly the wrong direction at maximum administrative overhead. Its operating axioms:

  1. The circuit with the SLA is the one that fails. The circuit without the SLA fails first.
  2. Every temporary firewall rule is permanent. Every permanent one was temporary.
  3. Your thumbprint outlives you. The rest of your config dies with your password.
  4. A network that cannot be documented cannot be taken from you.
  5. The engineer who understood the redistribution left in 2019. The redistribution remains. Mutually.
  6. MTU problems present as “the application is slow.” They are diagnosed as “the application is slow.” They are escalated as “the application is slow.”
  7. Spanning tree converges fastest while everyone is watching.
  8. The backup path has never carried traffic. Today, it will.
  9. Uptime targets are set by whoever does not carry the pager.
  10. The config backup runs nightly, successfully, to a location nobody has ever restored from.

4. Normative Companion Domains

DomainLayerRole
snowflakedesigntheory.comDoctrineThis document. The canonical reference.
snowflakenetworkdesign.comFieldPractical application: specimen gallery and anatomy library.
wevealwaysdoneitthisway.comDefenseThe justification library, evoked in design review.
rfc4094.comAnnexReserved. RFC 4094 specifies no standard.
SATIRE NOTICE — SDT is a satirical anti-pattern catalog for training and humor. It documents how networks are NOT designed. Do not deploy. Every real SRND contradicts it, and so, probably, does your employment agreement.